The Calm Before the Derby Storm

Thursday morning I excitedly started packing my suitcase to prepare for the drive to Philadelphia to watch the WFTDA National Tournament. Then I remembered that my police ankle monitor would immediately notify my parole officer. So instead, images and observations on this weekend's quest for the Hydra Trophy will be brought to you by a referee and derby lover from Baton Rouge Louisiana's Red Stick Roller Derby. Ladies and Gentlemen, put your hands together for Crotch Rock-It. Take it away, Crotch!
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If the saying is true that “roller derby saved my soul,” then today I’m making a pilgrimage to the Mecca of derby, the WFTDA Nationals tournament. This weekend I get to watch the 12 most badass groups of wheeled women on earth beat the hell out of each other for fame, glory, and love of the sport. God, I love roller derby.

There has been much speculation about who’s gonna take home the Hydra trophy this year, so I’ll throw in my $0.02. If I were a betting man, I’d have to go with Philly for two reasons. One, they are the host team and will be enjoying the home crowd advantage. Two, at Eastern Regionals they did what some thought was impossible by flinging a stone square into the temple of the Goliath of the sport, Gotham . If they can maintain the momentum gathered at Regionals, Philly will be a tough team to take down.

But, my heart lies with my South Central sisters, Houston and Texas . Houston admittedly has a tough row to hoe, taking on the West upstarts Rocky Mountain , and then facing Philly should they manage to survive their first bout. Texas , on the other hand, has a much better shot at winning it all. They are the Virgin Mary of the sport, having birthed the current incarnation of flat track derby way back at the beginning of the decade. (Am I going to hell for all of these non-PC religious references?) They are clearly at the top of their game right now and would love to take home the trophy named after one of their founding members. Go TXRG!

Anyway, it's 1:00am Thursday night right now, and I've finally landed in Philly. Me and my better half Hazmat are sitting in a taxi headed to the hotel next to the convention center so we can crash and be ready for tomorrow. Goodnight!

Crotch Rockit

Red Stick Roller Derby

Rollerderby Roadtrips: A Survival Manual

So there you are on a Thursday evening, looking at a wide-open weekend before you and craving a dose of the red-hot derby action that you've grown so addicted to. But alas, your local league has no game scheduled this weekend. The hunger within you for bone-jarring impacts and fishnet stockings grows stronger by the hour. How will you feed it before it consumes you? By hitting the highway on your very own rollerderby roadtrip!

(Remember, seatbelts are for pussies.)

Here are some great ways to plan your trip and to maximize the fun therein:

• Research the bouts happening in your region. Finding a neighboring league to drive to watch may sound daunting but fortunately for you, it turns out that the internet actually does help you find things other than tentacle porn. You can get a listing of derby leagues by state or country over at http://www.derbyroster.com/ They have a map of leagues available there too but if you're looking for something to actually help you plan your route and in some cases show you a picture of the venue, try the league map at http://www.nashvillerollergirls.com/map.php Both sites contain links to league websites where you can find out when and where they will be playing. If you already know which leagues are nearby, you can look for them in the schedule listing located at http://www.derbynewsnetwork.com/bouts
  
  

• Pick a Saturday night bout if possible. Friday bouts limit you to a range that can be driven to in the time between when you get off of work and when the bout stops. Sunday nights are tougher than Fridays in a way because most people are limited to a range that they are willing to drive back home starting after the bout ends. A Saturday bout date allows you the luxury of driving there on Friday night, seeing the local sites, a leisurely drive back on Sunday and time to recover from your hangover before work on Monday. Which leads us to...
  
  
• Find out the alcohol constraints of the venue. Bouts at skating rinks will almost never have booze available due to insurance restrictions. They do however sell Coke, Sprite, Pepsi and a variety of other things that I like to refer to as "mixers". (It would be irresponsible of me to point out how easily a person can sneak a flask in via a purse or pocket and it would be doubly irresponsible for me to point out the fine selections at http://www.flaskshop.com and http://www.drinkingstuff.com/drinkingstuff_flasks.htm so I definitely won't do that.) Locations that sell beer or liquor onsite are better in terms of ease of access but the downside is that you can expect to pay double the average bar price for each drink. The holy grail for the derby/booze fan is a venue that allows you to BYOB. I attended a doubleheader at the Shrine Hall in Atlanta where they allow the audience to bring anything they want as long as it is contained in plastic. The first bout was a blast but I don't remember much from the second bout except that a drunken member of my group started yelling "FU** JESUS" and I woke up the next day with bible-shaped welts on my face and neck.
  
  
• Get the location of the afterparty before you book your lodging. If you are fortunate enough to be able to stay at a hotel or bed+breakfast that is within walking distance of the afterparty, you have booked yourself one nights stay in the land of awesomeness. My local league once played a travel bout where the hotel we stayed in was about 100 yards from the bar where the afterparty was held. This facilitated a night of massive rounds of shots, wrestling matches in gravel, geeky girls swinging on a stripper pole, firetrucks, teethmarks, a group of puzzled migrant workers, a licenseplate bra, skater hotel room booze raids and my wife having a rollergirl hickey contest on her cleavage.
  
  
  

  (Your results may vary.)
  
  
• Buy tickets in advance. Many leagues use http://www.brownpapertickets.com which allows you to buy online without doubling the price thanks to a string of made-up mysterious fees. (I'm looking at YOU TicketMaster.) Other leagues will allow you to have tickets left at Will Call if you contact them in advance. If either of those options are available, trust me, its worth it to pay whatever the extra may be and do it. We had people drive 3.5 hours to watch their team play my local team only to discover that the bout had sold out before they even walked up to the doors. I think we can assume that this sucked the air out of that trip.

So there you have it, derbylover. The highway beckons you. Now call your friends, hotwire your grandma's 1939 DeSoto and hit the road!