Sunday, August 9, 2009

The 2009 Rollercon vs DefCon Fashion Showdown

I sat down at my computer to do a writeup on Rollercon 2009 but I realized that in order to be able to accurately convey the experience to you, I needed to get myself in the proper Rollercon spirit. 3 beers, 2 Jack and Cokes and an unknown amount of tequila later, I woke up with a mouthful of shag carpet, wondering whose house I was in and hung over enough to bring you...

The 2009 Rollercon vs. DefCon Fashion Showdown!

That's right, for those of you who didn't know it, Las Vegas simultaneously housed conventions for the worlds toughest girls and the world's nerdiest guys. Rollercon of course is rollerderby players from around the world assembling to learn how to increase their muscle tone and how to kick each others asses more efficiently. DefCon is hackers from all over the world assembling to learn how to install FreeBSD on an iPod and how to get their moms to increase their allowance. So trying to compare the 2 sides on an activity level is like having a 100 meter dash between a cheetah and kitchen sponge.

On your mark, get set... Wow, that's way creepier than it looked inside my head.

So to even the playing field, we will compare the two conventions on attire, pitting spandex versus polyester to see who will take the 2009 Vegas Convention Fashion Crown!

T-Shirt Category

DefCon opens with a basic black number, very slimming and always in style. The ironic humor of the text is lost on non-nerds which costs a small deduction but they earn it back by the accidental truth of the last two words. No cheetos stains so he's obviously been wearing it for less than 15 seconds. Excellent use of movie-starlet sunglasses to distract from the receding hairline.

Rollercon counters with a bold statement in red.
The tank allows maximum tattoo visibility and is nicely complemented by matching red fishnets. The text resounds within the rollerderby community and is easily understood outside it.

Rollercon 1, DefCon 0

Costumed Group Category
Defcon comes back strong with a presentation based on characters from Team Fortress 2.Team Fortress 2, for those of you who don't know, is a video game. Video games, for those of you who don't know, are what nerds play on their computers while they're busy not getting laid. The attention to detail is impressive but the Defcon authenticity is compromised by the fact that an actual girl seems to have wandered into the picture.

Rollercon parries with their interpretation of police officers.
Police officers, for those of you who don't know, are those people who haul misbehaving rollergirls to the drunk tank when the afterparty gets out of hand. Colors match well as do the sunglasses, less overall detail but they gain celebrity points since Dewey Cox seems to have wandered into the picture.

In a close decision,
Rollercon 1, Defcon 1

Competition Category

Defcon kicks up the action a notch with... uh...
I don't know why these vinyl testicles are battling each other but I do know that I don't want to see the trophy they present to the winner. The only good thing happening here is that their headgear colors match their thongs.

Rollercon's entry is tailored for maximum freedom of movement in combat.
Strong dark primary colors with bright contrasting secondary colors plus the complete absence of vinyl scrotum makes this an easy call.

Rollercon 2, Defcon 1

Awesomeness Category
Defcon closes out with... Another girl? Really? Are you sure she was from Defcon?
Oh yeah, look at that. Who knew? Nice use of neon colors to add sizzle, plus all that hacking ingenuity pays off in the construction of a fashionable skirt using only duct tape and an old Cindy Lauper album cover.

The final entry from Rollercon is a little number they like to call, "Daaaaaaaamn!"
This, my friends, is the stuff that epic rink rash is made of. The outfit is the most earth-friendly item in the showdown, requiring practically no resources to make. It is unforgiving to those with embarrassing tattoos but especially friendly to those who play Rollerderby in a sauna or outdoors in the middle of a bunch of casinos in the frigging desert.

I call this one a tie, meaning

Rollercon is your 2009 Vegas Convention Fashion Champion!

Please use the comments section to post links to any pictures that you feel could have tipped the scales toward Defcon or would have made it a blowout for Rollercon.

Digg this! Tweet this!


  1. ROFL, I know 1/2 the people in the Team Fortress 2 Pic, ba hahahahahaha

  2. No way, dude. Neon colored duct tape for the win, even if I can't help but feel out-mojoed and out-hotted.

  3. Glad I wasn't the only one who noticed DefCon and RollerCon coincided. Flying out from Vegas (after a very long, mostly sleepless weekend of hacking and drinkin) I was on a plane with Sally Strych9 from Oklahoma Victory Dolls. Rollergirls (and their guys) are unmistakeable. Well, sometimes they look like hackers.

  4. Ahhh yes....Krissy Krash from Team Amazon. Yeah, I hear they had a stellar bench manager, but still got run over by the Short Bus. :-/

  5. Hey nerds play derby too! I go to practice then come home and play Team Fortress 2!

  6. Having party hopped from one to another, disappointed they scheduled the two conventions I wanted to go to this year at the same time, I've gotta say, it was pretty much a wash on who out drank each other.

  7. Go Wasatch Roller Derby from Salt Lake City, representing as the POLICE in the Costumed Group Category!

  8. Defcon and Rollercon will be the same week again next year. My husband went to defcon while I was at rollercon and it seemed to work well as a "family vacation". The kids (cats) stayed home. :)

  9. Wow, I'm almost jealous of the Defcon Neon outfit. Time to step up the game!

  10. Ewww... Now, I might be a big stinky Red T-shirt wearing Defcon Goon (Nerds charged with beating on the other nerds when they get too wired on Cocaine and Vodka), but that last chick didn't do it for me. Then, again, neither did any of the guys.

    I like to watch aggressive women beat the hell out of each other as much as any man or bi-sexual woman. And, for the record, we play video games AFTER dicking the girl until she passes out or uses the safeword.