Friday, July 31, 2009

4 Men's Sports that are Wussy Compared to Women's Rollerderby

Men like to visualize themselves as the warriors of the species, which explains their interest in football, MMA and American Gladiators. But once you get past the first few genuinely badass sports, you find that there are plenty of places where men couldn't even hold the jockstraps (so to speak) of the women of roller derby. For context, here a couple of examples of the sort of estrogosterone-fueled awesomeness you will see at a typical women's rollerderby bout:

( for those who can't view embedded videos.)


In contrast, here are a bunch of sports where the men should be holding purses and digging for a Pamprin.

The people of Brazil call soccer "The Beautiful Game" and that's the perfect name for a sport where so many of the players act like they're afraid they'll chip a nail. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a soccer hater, in fact I'm one of the eight or so people in America who actually like it and pay attention to it. (True story, while my ex-wife was in labor delivering our son we were watching the 1998 World Cup Romania vs. Croatia third place match between her contractions.) But the wheeled warriors of roller derby get blasted to a wood or concrete floor over and over again and get up with a "thank you may I have another" attitude. The men of soccer? Not so much.


Even anthropophobic hemophiliacs think these guys need to man up and stop being whiny little bitches.

Traveling on wheels counter-clockwise on an oval? Sounds like the first-cousin of rollerderby doesn't it? Right up until you see how the drivers react when they get a slight bump from someone ON THEIR OWN TEAM!


Derby girls take hits ten times harder than that from opponents, chase them down and hit them back, then buy them a beer and motorboat their cleavage at the afterparty.

WhiteSox pitcher Mark Buehrle just made it into the news and the baseball historybooks by throwing a perfect game. Perfect game you say? That must have meant nonstop heart-pounding action right? Well unfortunately for fans of the game, in baseball the phrase "perfect game" is a euphemism for "one entire team did absolutely nothing interesting all night long." Try to picture a rollerderby bout where one team never bothers to put a jammer on the track, scores no points, never even complete an initial pass. *yawnbarf* As we all know, a perfect rollerderby bout would involve 60 minutes of carnage where someone gets "can openered" in turn two and plows into a group of nuns, there are two different stoppages where the track crew searches for someone's teeth and the home team jammer runs off a double grand slam in the last jam to come from behind and win by one as the earsplitting roar of the crowd registers on a seismograph 200 miles away.

In this sport, touching the body of someone who is trying to score or touching the body of a defender while trying to score is a foul. Seriously! Whereas in derby the players feel like they had a sub-par game if less than 3 opponents are sporting a bruise shaped like her shoulder, the motto in basketball is "Don't touch that guy or you might smear his makeup!" This leads to Soccer 2: Electric Boogaloo or as they they call it in roundball, the flop.

Rollergirls get hit harder and more times heading for the bathroom at halftime than these mama's boys do in a whole season.


  1. "Derby girls take hits ten times harder than that from opponents, chase them down and hit them back, then buy them a beer and motorboat their cleavage at the afterparty."

    This is awesome! haaha

  2. Right, tougher then soccer and basketball. At least the girls can have fun playing on skates!

  3. About the only sport that is more badass than roller derby is rugby. Hands down.