Thursday, July 23, 2009

How to win an afterparty

One of the important aspects of roller derby is the after party. The after party is what sets roller derby apart from all those other boring sports where the teams hate each other and all they want to do is beat the crap out of each other if their opponent so much as farts in their general direction. In roller derby, we may not particularly care for certain people or teams, but that won't stop us from going out and getting piss drunk with them after the final whistle blows and then sleep on their bathroom floor with their epileptic dog.

In order to make the after party a night to remember (or not, if you've done it right), there are a few things you should do. I have compiled a list of actions that when performed singly aren't especially Derby Royalty inducing, but in conjunction with each other will ensure that at the very least you'll be regarded as pretty alright.

  • Leg wrestling.
  • Limbo.
  • Hickey contests- on which body part is your choice
  • Cock blocking other girls. Extra points if you are a straight girl.
  • Twister.
  • Clothes swapping. Nothing better than taking off clothes covered in bodily fluid and beer and putting on someone else's.
  • Hump people/objects/random passing animals and take pictures.
  • Think of the grossest shot you know and buy everybody a round. At an after party, every thing tastes good!
  • Karaoke. It wouldn't be an after party if there isn't SOMEbody singing Journey at the top of their lungs. Extra points if that song isn't actually playing.
  • Dance offs! Best done with the entire league at one time. Thriller is nice, but more obscure songs are better.
  • Naked time! Cops love us, so they'd never arrest us, anyway. Streak until you poke somebody's eye out with that frozen nipple. Then give them a complimentary hickey for being a good sport about it.
  • Spankings. Use anything but your hand. Preferably not somebody's $90 pool cue he or she got from Dad, however.
  • Discuss WFTDA rules! This is best done around 3a.m. after consuming approximately 1.5 pitchers of beer, 4-6 shots, and a few TicTacs. Wintergreen flavor.
  • Makeouts with random people. Well, they are not that random seeing as you probably know them, but let's just say you should make out with people you wouldn't normally. Hey, you might make yourself a good friend, if you know what I mean.
That should get you started. Remember to have fun, take lots of pictures, and be TOTALLY AWESOME. You earned it. You survived a night of roller derby!

1 comment:

  1. Winning the after-party is key. Really, in all situations - whether you lost, won, lost but at least won the MVP, lost and knew you were the worst, lost and wished you won the MVP, whatever. It's your last chance to show your team and the opposing team that you have talent and skills.

    The only team of skaters that blew away my after-party skills was Montreal. I'm pretty sure that's why they are beloved nation-wide.