New Year, New World

Januaries always bring us the opportunity to be introspective. They give us all another calender year to look back on with 12 months of hindsight.  If you're reading this, you no doubt are looking back at normal-life experiences sprinkled liberally with derby-life agony and ecstacy.  My experience was similar for the most part but this particular January has been a little more introspective than average for me.  Hopefully as I explain, you'll find some motivation to drive you to do the things that could make 2011 a year that you will look back on and be proud of.

I'll cut right to the chase.  After initially thinking I had a non-serious problem, I was told by a doctor shortly before Christmas that I had a huge tumor and that a particular spot within it was cancer.  Spoiler alert:  It turns out that I do NOT actually have cancer.  Don't freak out, I'm fine.  But for a 17-day period spanning over Christmas, a mis-diagnosis by two different specialists had me thinking that I had a cancerous cyst.  I bring this up for the simple reason that potentially life-changing information like that tends to make a person rethink their life just a wee bit.

In the same way that this is "just a wee bit" of snow.

What I found myself thinking about most was the things I had done that have had an observable impact.  What had I done that was useful, helpful or significant?  Who out there had had their life improved in any way as a result of knowing me?  What had I not been doing that I wanted to or knew that I should?  Had I changed anything, anywhere for the better?

The good news during those seventeen days is that I had some specific accomplishments to look back on in 2010.  I had helped start a junior roller derby league and was privileged to watch as girls from all walks of life (some of whom couldn't initially even stand in skates,) worked hard, learned quickly and bonded together over what was clearly the most exciting thing they had done in their lives.  I had shared information in this blog that I have since discovered had helped some people form new local leagues and had helped others reorganize and rebuild theirs.  I had launched a resource that helps roller derby lovers discover and learn about leagues all around the world.  These and several other things from my real life gave me comfort in knowing that I had had some sort of tangible, positive effect on people.

There were regrets too of course during this time period but I'm dwelling on the positives here for a reason and it is NOT so that I can sit here like a douchebag wallowing in a pool of self-aggrandizement telling you how cool I think I am.  I'm telling you all this because the things that I was proudest of and that made me feel significant were the things that I had accomplished, things that I actually got off my butt and DID.  Any one practice with my junior derby girls was better and more important to me than all my couchbound random internet surfing combined.  Every "thank you" on Derby Helper or compliment on Derby Earth meant more to me than all the video games I beat or shows I watched.  Now don't misunderstand me, all that stuff has its place in life and it is still part of mine.  But I hope that those of you who randomly surfed your way here will take a moment to consider what you would be thinking about if you had spent 17 days with the C word hanging over your head and suddenly had it wiped away clean.  What do you wish you had done last year and could you do it this year?  What would be cool if it existed and could you be the one to make it?  What could you be finishing six months from now if you started it right now?  Whose lives can you make better?  In roller derby terms, this line of thinking might mean you finally go to that derby 101 class and try out for the team, it might mean that you finally fill out the paperwork to organize that junior derby league you've been thinking about or it might mean that you start a new intense training regimen to carry your team to the championships.  In real life terms, it may mean you quit the crappy comfortable job you have to pursue the career you've always dreamed of or it may mean that you and the spouse start saving up the money to do the adoption you've talked about for years.  Whatever it is for you, I encourage you to get out there and do something this year that will make you proud when you're looking back at it in January 2012.

A very happy and healthy new year to you all.
D.H.

---------------

Feel free to put your "something" for 2011 in the comments below.  Sometimes making something public gives you the kick in the pants you need!  :-)

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I Need Approximately 32 More Hours Added To Each Day

So wow. I am exhausted. I went back to college in August, 5 years after graduating from college the first time. Before then my schedule was work --> roller derby --> video games + drinking --> sleep --> repeat. Now it's school --> work --> homework --> roller derby --> not enough sleep --> repeat. How am I going to keep this up for the next 5 years while I get another degree and not become any more insane than I am right now? (any mechanical engineers out there?? hit me up at jessticularfortitude AT gmail DOT com and let's talk about awesome things like robots and remote controlled bowling balls!!)

I think I may have found the key: Super Duper Time Management Skills.

Everyday we are bombarded with what I like to call Shit That Absolutely Needs To Get Done, or STANTGD. If we took our time and did everything totally right and perfect, we'd still be working on our Monday list Wednesday of the week after. It always seems like you find one thing you need to do, like vacuum the floor, but before then you need to pick up everything off the floor, but you can't do that because your tables are cluttered with dirty dishes but the dishwasher is already full of dishes etc. ad infinitum. Throw in roller derby, and you're adding in more than just skating time: you're adding in extra loads of laundry (hosiery, pads, swamp socks), travel time, packing for the road...

So. My life requires time for school and school work, actual work that pays the bills, and leisure time so I can keep myself and the people/animals I love happy. I chose to keep roller derby going because let's face it: it's fun, good exercise, and all my friends are involved with it. Unfortunately, I can't be as thoroughly involved as I once was. Previously, I was going out of town at least every 2 weeks reffing other people's games. No more. I have cut that down drastically. As much as I hate to say it, school is more important than roller derby right now. I didn't go back to not make A's, you know?

The key is to prioritize your life, and figure out ways to get things done simultaneously if possible. At my paying job, I have a lot of down time as I wait for PCR to run, or agarose to set, so during that time I read for my World Lit class, or work on drawings for my Graphics class, or work Statics problems. I'm taking 9 hours of school, and then I work for about 31-32 hours per week. By the time I get home around 7pm, feed myself and my pets, and get set up for my homework my brain is kinda fried. Having work-free weekends helps, which is why I'm not going out of town so much anymore- I need those hours to finally run errands and catch up on homework I couldn't finish during the week because I fell asleep at my desk at 9. I'm fortunate that my job isn't really really busy so that I have time to do homework there. I'm also very active on derby forums, and use that time between centrifuge spins to catch up on posts.

To make your life easier, I have modestly devised a very clever and brilliant flowchart to help you plan your day so that you get as much STANTGD accomplished as possible.

You're welcome.

The Derby Pukes

Derby Helper is proud to present to you: our first advice column! If you or someone you know has a derby-related problem and you'd like our advice, please email us at derbyhelper@gmail.com and if we can figure out what the hell you're asking us, we'll post it in an upcoming blog! Please let us know if you'd like us to use your real name, otherwise there will be a lot of XXXXXXXXXXXXs out there. Just sayin'. And without further ado...



Hey Derby Helper,

Last night I ate a week old piece of anchovy and olive pizza a few hours before practice. Boy was it terrible. I was really hungry. I took a couple big hits during practice and it came right up. Thankfully I made it to the bathroom before unleashing the half digested stinking mess onto the track. I would love to blame the worst slice of pizza ever for this but I can't rightfully do that. It's happened before without eating anything. I recently cut the back ends of my mouthguards out which is what usually gives me the derby voms initially. Is this a pretty common thing among skaters? It's pretty distracting to have to throw up in the middle of a scrimmage. What advice might you have for skaters prone to throwing up?

-XXXXXXXXXXXXX

________________________________________

Dear XXXXXXXXXXXXX,

What a fabulous question to answer after having just eaten appromixately 2 pounds of cheese and olive oil. I do love me some feta-covered pizza.

Well I would like to start off asking: what's so bad about puking? If you're not still choking on your own mouthguard and/or spit, then that's probably your body's way of telling you that you ate something it doesn't like, and it'd like to return it for a full refund. I hope you're either a momma bird or you have a bathroom nearby when it happens though, because mopping in the middle of practice isn't so fun.

If you refuse to puke and can digest the food baby that is kicking you in the nuts, you will have yourself some serious concentrated evil coming out the back of you that will probably melt your teammates but will also do a number on your opponents. And by number, I mean a Number 2. Anything to win, right?


But I guess the real question here is: why do you feel so bad? Why can't you skate without feeling sick? Are you just a big, hopeless weenie whose name is "Whomp Whomp," or can you do something about it?

I did some research on the causes of nausea, and the results are astounding. Well, not really, but maybe one of these categories rings a bell for you?

The Causes of Nausea
- infections
- reactions to medication (for this reason I stay far, far away from Vicodin)
- overeating/ food poisoning or intolerance/ intoxication
- anxiety or stress
- fatigue
- brain injury
- vertigo/ motion sickness
- carbon monoxide poisoning
- pregnancy
- mechanical obstruction of the bowel (perhaps that elbow you took to the gut is still there?)
- ulcers
- dehydration

The treatment for many of these should hopefully be fairly obvious. Don't drink copious amounts of alcohol before you hit the track. Get more rest. Hurry up and have that baby already. Remove that elbow pad from your small intestine.

The others are a bit more tricky. I got the following information from www.webmd.com:

How Can I Prevent Nausea?

There are several ways to try and prevent nausea from developing:

* Eat small meals throughout the day instead of three large meals.
* Eat slowly.
* Avoid hard-to-digest foods.
* Consume foods that are cold or room temperature to avoid nausea from the smell of hot or warm foods.
* Rest after eating with your head elevated about 12 inches above your feet.
* Drink liquids between meals instead of during meals and drink at least six to eight 8-ounce glasses of water a day to prevent dehydration (unless fluid restricted for another medical condition).
* Try to eat when you feel less nauseated.

How Do I Prevent Vomiting Once I Feel Nauseated?

When you begin to feel nauseated, you may be able to prevent vomiting by:

* Drink small amounts of clear, sweetened liquids such as soda or fruit juices (except orange and grapefruit juices because these are too acidic).
* Rest either in a sitting position or in a propped lying position. Activity may worsen nausea and may lead to vomiting.


You may also have an electrolyte imbalance from dehydration. From emedicinehealth.com:

* Initially, adults should eat ice chips and clear, noncaffeinated, nondairy liquids such as Gatorade, ginger ale, fruit juices, and Kool-Aid or other commercial drink mixes.

* After 24 hours of fluid diet without vomiting, begin a soft-bland solid diet such as the BRAT diet: bananas, rice, applesauce without sugar, toast, pasta, and potatoes.


If you have frequent nausea, this could be a sign of something serious, and you should definitely consult your doctor. But if you think it just happened because you were eating moldy anchovies or you went the opposite way and hadn't eaten a thing all day, then maybe all you need to do is get your diet under control, get some more rest, and take your stress out on the track. Where it belongs. Also, you may want to tell your teammates to stop with the kidney shots. That shit ain't cool.


Good luck to you!

Love from Derby Helper,
Jessticles

Roller Derby... of the Future!!

In my spare time (read: at work) I like to think of ways to improve the game of roller derby. Sure, it's already exciting with its thrills and spills, but what would make it so MIND BLOWINGLY AWESOME that it would become the most watched sport in the world?

I am prepared to present to you, my loving audience: Roller Derby... of the Future!!

It's simple really. Take the current rules... and add in some additionals.

1. Net guns.
Referees could use them to make sure that skaters KNOW they got a major penalty or their 4th minor. No more excuses about not hearing the whistle! They could also be used by bench coaches when a skater is on the track who shouldn't be and they don't want to get a illegal procedure penalty for "too many skaters on the track." The skaters themselves would not be allowed to have them on the track. That would be dangerous.

2. Jammer rocket skates.
Because those would NOT be dangerous... Sometimes the Jammer needs a little extra boost, you know? But it would have a limited amount of rocket boosting power, so skaters must use it wisely. Probably flame retardant shin guards should be recommended for the rest of the skaters.

3. Figure 8 track layout.
The game is played the same, except the track is no longer just a skewed oval. Makes you think twice about spreading the pack out, doesn't it? Obviously skating clockwise to block is no longer a valid penalty.


4. Steeplechase.
Let's put those jumping skills to good use with the addition of hurdles. Who needs clotheslines when you have solid, fairly unbreakable obstacles to overcome? With your face?






5. Moat.
The moat would be in the outside ref lane. Outside pack refs are optional, but if they choose to be in the moat, I would suggest they get one of these. An assortment of carnivorous reptiles to fill the moat is optional, pending how much attention your venue owners pay attention to your bout setup. Suicide seating will never be so sought after as it will be with the addition of the "splash zone."


6. Segways.
No longer will injured skaters have to skip out on that roller derby action. Just hop on one of these babies and you can continue playing in the jams. We could probably just strap you in if you happen to be unconscious at the time.

7. Souped up uniforms.
Blockers get uniforms with built in tasers. Jammers get conducting uniforms, able to transfer that shock to other skaters with a simple touch. Velcro-covered outfits and magnetic uniforms with magnetic whips would make for some awesome multiplayer blocks and assists.


8. Hulk hands.
In addition to the Star Pass, there can be the Hulk Hands Pass. Anybody wearing the Hulk Hands has the ability to punch other skaters in the face. Beheading a 90s star who ran in slow motion, produced music that was only popular in Europe, and drove a car that was smarter than all of us: optional.






9. Shock collars.
Penalty trackers have a control with all the skaters' numbers. Used like the net gun, but less disruptive to the rest of the pack, unless the girl starts convulsing. Then they should just pretend she's another hurdle.

10. Slip 'n' Slide.
Because of that reptile-infested moat, there will need to be a bridge between the track and the team benches and penalty boxes. What better, faster way to get to the benches than to put a slip 'n' slide on the bridge? It'd significantly cut down on the time between when you get whistled off for a penalty and when you sit down, and it'd give you a quicker getaway for when the crocodiles get on the bridge after they've finished off the outside pack refs.


I am pretty sure I could keep going like this forever, and bring in trebuchets, yard gnomes, Vaseline, Legos, and miniature cows, but I'd rather hear from you: what would YOU like to add to roller derby in the future?

Digg this!

Skate Surface Battle Royale

Roller derby is all about options. You can choose your skates, your outfit, your name, your number, and even the floor you skate on.

4 common skating surfaces are wood, concrete, skate court, and masonite. All have their advantages and disadvantages.


Wood comes from trees. Isn't that nice? Trees that are cut into boards and put into nice, neat rows and coated in this material that causes children to fall down for no reason and skate the complete wrong direction straight at you at skating rinks. Different colored lights and a disco ball or two light the way. Wood is super grippy and pretty loud and if it's not taken care of makes you feel like you're skating in the bowels of a boat out at sea because of all the waves and weird discoloration that you know came from some kid peeing on it. Or beer. Whatever. I like to pretend I'm a pirate pretty much every chance I get, so this is a fun time for me. Wood is good, but usually can only be found IN skating rinks, and skating there isn't so great. There's not a lot of room for fans to sit or for the smell of your farts and/or swampy pads to dissipate.


Concrete. Yikes, concrete. It can be good when it's clean, but brutal when it's dirty. Some leagues skate on polished, some on outdoor hockey rinks, and every concrete floor is different. Some are so polished that they require traction to be mopped on to keep you from sliding into the oblivion that is the naughty bits of some poor lady in the suicide seating. Some are so bumpy you need outdoor wheels to survive. Polished concrete is fun because you slide forrrrrrrrrrrreverrrrrrrrr and it allows you to play Derby Bowling, which is a game I just made up. One thing concrete is not is forgiving. If you fall, you will feel it, much like the fatty part of my thumb felt it last night as I slapped down with all my weigh on it. Awesome.


Skate court is pretty cool stuff. It's grippy and requires no maintenance that I've heard of, and you don't slide on it when you fall. The bad side is you have to put it together like puzzle pieces during bout setup because you probably won't be able to just leave it down all the time. But no matter, the surface feels so good it makes up for the time it takes to put it together. Also, it comes in pretty colors so you can pretend you're running around your kindergarten classroom. Paste and construction paper optional.


But my absolute favorite skating surface is masonite. Oh man, I have a tiny girl boner just thinking about it. It's grippy AND slick at the same time. Figure that one out. Basically you can skate on it like a dream in whatever wheels you want, but then if you fall you sliiiiide just like on concrete. It's fantastic. The downside is you have to actually tape it together so it won't just slide apart... which it will do anyway, especially during a doubleheader. And it's heavy as... a very heavy thing that I can't think of since I've not actually tried to pick up a piece of masonite. No matter, just know that storage and transport is an issue with this one.

I'm sure there are probably other types of skateable floors out there that I haven't heard about. Do let me and our loyal readers know what these are in the comments section! I'm all for broadening our horizons via brief messages on teh intarweb.

Skaters vs Referees vs NSOs vs Stat Geeks: The ultimate showdown

Let's say you're a pretty tough little cookie of a lady, and you've been watching local thrilling, action-packed roller derby bouts with pride, and then one day your friends look at you and say, "hey, Little Lady (because that is your name), why aren't you out there?"

Brief pause. "Why," you say, "I don't know."

You go home, and you think about it. Why not?

Oh, right. You don't know how to skate. You don't know the rules. You have irritable bowel syndrome that crops up at inopportune moments. But other than that, why not? You can read, you can learn, and you can wear an adult diaper. No problems there.

You know your local league is recruiting, and they need everybody they can get their hands on. How do you choose what bout role you should play?


There are 4 different types of people working during bouts who are fairly directly involved with gameplay itself.

1. Skaters
2. Referees
3. Non-Skating Officials, or NSOs
4. Stat Geeks

1. Skaters: The girls out on the track.
Pros to being a skater:
- Fame and glory
- Fun outfits
- Excellent workout
- People are scared of you
- Little girls adore you
- You can skip venue patrons in line at the bathroom
- You're in all the pictures of the event

Cons:
- Creepy people adore you
- Your workplace may not approve if they found out, especially if they knew your alias
- Broken bones, recurring knee and shoulder problems, premature arthritis, torn ligaments, etc
- Expensive: good skates + good pads + good medical insurance = good money


2. Referees: Your stripedy friends on the inside and outside of the track.
Pros to being a referee:
- You get to be loud and yell and scream and blow a whistle
- You get to scold and boss around girls and finger them to the box
- You become a smartypants nerd about the rules but it's OK because you're supposed to be
- You don't get hurt as often
- You can also skip patrons in line at the bathroom because they think you're a skater
- Great exercise and you can skip the scary blocking drills

Cons:
- You have to guest ref a lot to get good, and traveling costs money
- Also expensive for the same reasons as skaters
- You can still get hurt because of skaters flying out of bounds
- Everybody hates you and wants to do evil, hateful things to you and they tell you so every chance they get
- You're only in pictures if you're the Jam Ref, for the most part


3. NSOs: the people not in skates standing inside the track or at a table just outside the track
Pros to being an NSO:
- You can be involved and not have to skate
- Cheap as hell unless you want to get a really fancy clipboard like this http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/supplies/3226/
- You also get a fun name if you want
- Wide variety of positions such as: penalty tracker, scoreboard operator, penalty box timer, scorekeeper, jam timer, etc

Cons:
- You don't wear any type of jersey, so nobody knows who you are
- You're probably going to be standing in one spot for the entire bout
- Your f*&%ups can delay the game
- Generally no photographic evidence of you even attending the bout


4. Stat Geeks: don't even bother trying to find them for they are invisible
Pros to being a geek:
- Total anonymity
- Fun pocket protectors
- You understand the action better than anybody because you're watching and documenting individual plays
- You track different things like lineups, actions, and errors
- Math, yay math!
- And spreadsheets! Woo!
- Very little chance of getting dismembered, unless there's a particularly rowdy crowd

Cons:
- Total anonymity
- Pretty thankless
- You could be out in the crowd and therefore not have the best seat ever
- Don't even bother looking for a picture of you unless you got in a fight



So there you have it. I chose reffing because I'm a pussy when it comes to blocking, bossy, and loud. What do you want to be?

How to win an afterparty

One of the important aspects of roller derby is the after party. The after party is what sets roller derby apart from all those other boring sports where the teams hate each other and all they want to do is beat the crap out of each other if their opponent so much as farts in their general direction. In roller derby, we may not particularly care for certain people or teams, but that won't stop us from going out and getting piss drunk with them after the final whistle blows and then sleep on their bathroom floor with their epileptic dog.

In order to make the after party a night to remember (or not, if you've done it right), there are a few things you should do. I have compiled a list of actions that when performed singly aren't especially Derby Royalty inducing, but in conjunction with each other will ensure that at the very least you'll be regarded as pretty alright.

• Leg wrestling.
  
• Limbo.
  
• Hickey contests- on which body part is your choice
• Cock blocking other girls. Extra points if you are a straight girl.
• Twister.
  
• Clothes swapping. Nothing better than taking off clothes covered in bodily fluid and beer and putting on someone else's.
• Hump people/objects/random passing animals and take pictures.
• Think of the grossest shot you know and buy everybody a round. At an after party, every thing tastes good!
  
• Karaoke. It wouldn't be an after party if there isn't SOMEbody singing Journey at the top of their lungs. Extra points if that song isn't actually playing.
• Dance offs! Best done with the entire league at one time. Thriller is nice, but more obscure songs are better.
  
• Naked time! Cops love us, so they'd never arrest us, anyway. Streak until you poke somebody's eye out with that frozen nipple. Then give them a complimentary hickey for being a good sport about it.
• Spankings. Use anything but your hand. Preferably not somebody's $90 pool cue he or she got from Dad, however.
• Discuss WFTDA rules! This is best done around 3a.m. after consuming approximately 1.5 pitchers of beer, 4-6 shots, and a few TicTacs. Wintergreen flavor.

• Makeouts with random people. Well, they are not that random seeing as you probably know them, but let's just say you should make out with people you wouldn't normally. Hey, you might make yourself a good friend, if you know what I mean.

That should get you started. Remember to have fun, take lots of pictures, and be TOTALLY AWESOME. You earned it. You survived a night of roller derby!