Roller Derby... of the Future!!

In my spare time (read: at work) I like to think of ways to improve the game of roller derby. Sure, it's already exciting with its thrills and spills, but what would make it so MIND BLOWINGLY AWESOME that it would become the most watched sport in the world?

I am prepared to present to you, my loving audience: Roller Derby... of the Future!!

It's simple really. Take the current rules... and add in some additionals.

1. Net guns.
Referees could use them to make sure that skaters KNOW they got a major penalty or their 4th minor. No more excuses about not hearing the whistle! They could also be used by bench coaches when a skater is on the track who shouldn't be and they don't want to get a illegal procedure penalty for "too many skaters on the track." The skaters themselves would not be allowed to have them on the track. That would be dangerous.

2. Jammer rocket skates.
Because those would NOT be dangerous... Sometimes the Jammer needs a little extra boost, you know? But it would have a limited amount of rocket boosting power, so skaters must use it wisely. Probably flame retardant shin guards should be recommended for the rest of the skaters.

3. Figure 8 track layout.
The game is played the same, except the track is no longer just a skewed oval. Makes you think twice about spreading the pack out, doesn't it? Obviously skating clockwise to block is no longer a valid penalty.


4. Steeplechase.
Let's put those jumping skills to good use with the addition of hurdles. Who needs clotheslines when you have solid, fairly unbreakable obstacles to overcome? With your face?






5. Moat.
The moat would be in the outside ref lane. Outside pack refs are optional, but if they choose to be in the moat, I would suggest they get one of these. An assortment of carnivorous reptiles to fill the moat is optional, pending how much attention your venue owners pay attention to your bout setup. Suicide seating will never be so sought after as it will be with the addition of the "splash zone."


6. Segways.
No longer will injured skaters have to skip out on that roller derby action. Just hop on one of these babies and you can continue playing in the jams. We could probably just strap you in if you happen to be unconscious at the time.

7. Souped up uniforms.
Blockers get uniforms with built in tasers. Jammers get conducting uniforms, able to transfer that shock to other skaters with a simple touch. Velcro-covered outfits and magnetic uniforms with magnetic whips would make for some awesome multiplayer blocks and assists.


8. Hulk hands.
In addition to the Star Pass, there can be the Hulk Hands Pass. Anybody wearing the Hulk Hands has the ability to punch other skaters in the face. Beheading a 90s star who ran in slow motion, produced music that was only popular in Europe, and drove a car that was smarter than all of us: optional.






9. Shock collars.
Penalty trackers have a control with all the skaters' numbers. Used like the net gun, but less disruptive to the rest of the pack, unless the girl starts convulsing. Then they should just pretend she's another hurdle.

10. Slip 'n' Slide.
Because of that reptile-infested moat, there will need to be a bridge between the track and the team benches and penalty boxes. What better, faster way to get to the benches than to put a slip 'n' slide on the bridge? It'd significantly cut down on the time between when you get whistled off for a penalty and when you sit down, and it'd give you a quicker getaway for when the crocodiles get on the bridge after they've finished off the outside pack refs.


I am pretty sure I could keep going like this forever, and bring in trebuchets, yard gnomes, Vaseline, Legos, and miniature cows, but I'd rather hear from you: what would YOU like to add to roller derby in the future?

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