Thursday, August 13, 2009

Roller Derby... of the Future!!

In my spare time (read: at work) I like to think of ways to improve the game of roller derby. Sure, it's already exciting with its thrills and spills, but what would make it so MIND BLOWINGLY AWESOME that it would become the most watched sport in the world?

I am prepared to present to you, my loving audience: Roller Derby... of the Future!!

It's simple really. Take the current rules... and add in some additionals.

1. Net guns.
Referees could use them to make sure that skaters KNOW they got a major penalty or their 4th minor. No more excuses about not hearing the whistle! They could also be used by bench coaches when a skater is on the track who shouldn't be and they don't want to get a illegal procedure penalty for "too many skaters on the track." The skaters themselves would not be allowed to have them on the track. That would be dangerous.

2. Jammer rocket skates.
Because those would NOT be dangerous... Sometimes the Jammer needs a little extra boost, you know? But it would have a limited amount of rocket boosting power, so skaters must use it wisely. Probably flame retardant shin guards should be recommended for the rest of the skaters.

3. Figure 8 track layout.
The game is played the same, except the track is no longer just a skewed oval. Makes you think twice about spreading the pack out, doesn't it? Obviously skating clockwise to block is no longer a valid penalty.

4. Steeplechase.
Let's put those jumping skills to good use with the addition of hurdles. Who needs clotheslines when you have solid, fairly unbreakable obstacles to overcome? With your face?

5. Moat.
The moat would be in the outside ref lane. Outside pack refs are optional, but if they choose to be in the moat, I would suggest they get one of these. An assortment of carnivorous reptiles to fill the moat is optional, pending how much attention your venue owners pay attention to your bout setup. Suicide seating will never be so sought after as it will be with the addition of the "splash zone."

6. Segways.
No longer will injured skaters have to skip out on that roller derby action. Just hop on one of these babies and you can continue playing in the jams. We could probably just strap you in if you happen to be unconscious at the time.

7. Souped up uniforms.
Blockers get uniforms with built in tasers. Jammers get conducting uniforms, able to transfer that shock to other skaters with a simple touch. Velcro-covered outfits and magnetic uniforms with magnetic whips would make for some awesome multiplayer blocks and assists.

8. Hulk hands.
In addition to the Star Pass, there can be the Hulk Hands Pass. Anybody wearing the Hulk Hands has the ability to punch other skaters in the face. Beheading a 90s star who ran in slow motion, produced music that was only popular in Europe, and drove a car that was smarter than all of us: optional.

9. Shock collars.
Penalty trackers have a control with all the skaters' numbers. Used like the net gun, but less disruptive to the rest of the pack, unless the girl starts convulsing. Then they should just pretend she's another hurdle.

10. Slip 'n' Slide.
Because of that reptile-infested moat, there will need to be a bridge between the track and the team benches and penalty boxes. What better, faster way to get to the benches than to put a slip 'n' slide on the bridge? It'd significantly cut down on the time between when you get whistled off for a penalty and when you sit down, and it'd give you a quicker getaway for when the crocodiles get on the bridge after they've finished off the outside pack refs.

I am pretty sure I could keep going like this forever, and bring in trebuchets, yard gnomes, Vaseline, Legos, and miniature cows, but I'd rather hear from you: what would YOU like to add to roller derby in the future?

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  1. HAHA FIGURE 8 TRACK!! I love it... can we start pushing for this now?

  2. 3-legged derby? Potato sack derby? Marathon derby where you play it over a 26 mile road course?

  3. 10 minutes jams where you're not allowed to pass the star! Slalom runs and an obstacle course!

  4. This is really funny. I wanted to follow your blog but you don't have that widget thingy on the side :)

  5. oh yeah, an old boyfriend of mine ( before I got married) thought it would be funny if wheels lock up as soon as you step out of bounds. My husband thinks the second period should be played in the reverse direction.

  6. Figure eight track actually happened back in 1989 on the strangest version ever of "Rollergames." Though they added a jump, a "wall of death" and an alligator pit for "sudden death overtime."

    One of the weirder ideas suggested by a fan for a purported new version of that show included jetpacks on the backs of skaters. One would suppose that would decrease the number of back blocking penalties.

  7. Oh man I just thought of another one...

    11. Overtime jams will be done on tricycles.

  8. I like the Figure 8 track. The rocket assisted skates could be done flameless with compressed gas. If you only carried enough for one jam, I think it could be built into bladder-like devices built into the uniforms. Although adding more material to the uniforms is totally not cool.

  9. Bladder-like devices? Come back next week, folks, for "Water Bras... of the Future!!"

  10. I want all skaters to wear wireless transponders with accelerometers and an 'electric fence' detector. Now you can do automatic scoring, and detecting out of bounds is easy....

    While we're wishing, how about speedometers on the skates, and a 'rabbit' in the front to regulate pack speed (a la greyhound racing...)

  11. Can we vote the figure 8 track in immediately? :)

  12. We've discussed shock-collars at almost every Ref meeting. Another thought would be to have the bench coaches tied into one of the stunt pull-back rigs. This would help to keep all the time outs civil and, where necessary, make ejections efficient and brief.

  13. Shock collars trumps my previous idea of tazers to get skaters off the track.

    Another idea is to add a ball. I don't know what to do with it, but when people unfamiliar with the sport ask if there's a ball you can just respond "yes" and move on.